L A F E I S T

truth slayer

loneliness on a stick.

22 Comments

20140807-105259-39179242.jpg

I regret to inform you that avoiding the cliche is temporarily unavoidable, as for the time being, I am Powerless to stop it; when it rains it pours.

See it? Capital P.

–Though, not in the life-in-general sense {life doesn’t completely suck — yay!…} but in a singular sense. In all honesty, life is quite nice.

Nice and lonely.

It seems that when one friend is absent, they are all absent {a.k.a. the pouring}. However, when one is present, they are all present as a nice and shiny example of how great human kind is and how they must know when I need them the most. It’s that friendship sixth-sense I value like a Macy’s Santa Claus — allowing one to hang on to belief despite non-belief because when it’s in front of your face, it looks damn near like the real thing. I’ll take it!

I can hear my mother’s voice right now, “Friendship is a two-way street. You could very easily pick up the phone, too.” Yes, mother but it’s not quite as satisfying.

Also, mother, I’m thirty-three. Almost. Let me continue making dumb choices despite your excellent advice until I finally get it on my own, even when I’m close to never.

My family left the house this past Sunday and headed back to Dallas. The nice thing about having company for a long period of time is the constant companionship and the distraction from one’s own agonizing thoughts. On the other hand, those once silenced thoughts come raging forth when the door shuts behind them as though they had been locked up for years being served prison food. Feed me! Something nice and fatty please. Perhaps with some bacon grease. And a fried egg.

Last night, I was sitting on the wrap-around deck, feet propped up on the empty chair beside me, while the breeze reminded me that I still have skin. As I turned the last page of my book {doesn’t sound quite as romantic as “squeaked my finger across the glass screen of my e-reader”}, I looked out at the diminishing lake and the endless hills, and I felt the vastness of my surroundings. Suddenly, my thoughts became aggressive. The world is vast and you are alone. You just finished your fifth book in two days — #hermit. No one is thinking about you right now.

She was a real bitch. If I was drinking right now, which I’m not, I would have emptied a bottle. Why am I not? Trying not to feed the beast. She’s an even angrier drunk. Not me, my thoughts. No, I’m a sensitive drinker. I’m sensitive now, but when I drink I’m at risk of saying things like, “Why can’t I be more like Oprah?” and “I’m sorry, I don’t have any change right now, but do you think it might be possible for me to adopt you?” It doesn’t take a mathematician… or a linguist… to understand angry thoughts + sensitive me = not pretty.

In about a week, I return to work, which means returning to routine and sociability. I do know that I can do this. Not only can I do this, I can take advantage of this solitude while it lasts, and as agonizing as they are at times, listen to my thoughts, defeating the bad ones with steel rods of self-contentment that force me to stand upright on my own. That sounds really painful, but you get it.

Have you ever felt a jolt of loneliness like this? Are your thoughts sometimes a mean jerk? What are some of your coping mechanisms?

Author: LA Feist

Aiming to inspire others to make the most of what they have today without compromising quality of life or settling for less than desired (all the while convincing herself).

22 thoughts on “loneliness on a stick.

  1. This really hits home with a lot of things I’ve been feeling/hoping to squash lately. I’m struggling to find myself again and move forward on my own, but it can be really incredibly tough.

    It’s hard to face your demons alone, and not come to rely on booze/tobacco!

    Thank you for sharing, and I hope life is looking up!

    • Thank you, Heather, for letting me know I’m not alone. I’m sorry you are going through this too, as you said, it is tough. Though what’s tough will make you stronger. And a lil’, just a lil’ booze and tobacco might help! Ha! Life is looking up. I hope it is for you, too.

  2. “The world is vast and you are alone.” Oh, honey, I have felt that more times than I can count. At the time it feels like the worst things in the world, but as Alex said above, it has really allowed me the opportunity to know myself. It has also allowed me to see that I always have at least one person in my corner– myself. Still, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

    Big hugs to you. I do hope the veil of loneliness lifts soon.

    • Thank you for your thoughtful words. They mean a lot, and although I hate to hear when someone else feels this way, it’s comforting to hear when we are not so alone afterall. Glad to have you back in the blogosphere, Jen! You were missed!!

  3. Pingback: 7 for seven | key + arrow

  4. Pingback: my dating profile. | key + arrow

  5. That last paragraph you wrote explains it all, Lauren! Not only can you do this, but you’ll defeat those negative thoughts and prove that bitch (your thoughts) wrong! As a fellow HSP, I totally get what you’re feeling as I personally struggle with my own negative self-talk all the time. Life’s about choices, right? So you get to choose to spin this into something positive. Your recognition that this loneliness is a gift to get to know yourself a little better means you’re already coping beautifully 

    • Thank you sweet, Kristina! Your kind words mean a lot to me. Not only do I know you “get it,” but I cherish you as a friend. You are one smart woman. Miss you! xo

      • Thank you! I miss you bunches! I would love to grab a meal or a drink (or 10) next time you’re in Dallas! If you ever need to vent or just talk to someone who understands, I am a phone call away 🙂

      • Thank you, Kristina. I will take you up on that, and if you find yourself in Austin, mi casa es su casa!

  6. Even though it doesn’t always feel like it, solitude is the best gift you can give yourself sometimes. With your self-awareness, it’s going to do wonders.

  7. It is a fine line between loneliness and solitude…
    I cope by being indifferent to each and take them as another chance to change or not – the choice is mine.

  8. That voice is a bitch, isn’t it? It’s all in how you frame it. Days alone can fill your tanks. Books read can do the same. Not many of us get the opp to moodle–to wallow in nothingness. And for many of us, it might be scary. But scary times yield the best results. If you can shut that voice up, it’ll all be worth it.

    • Thank you, Kay, for your words of encouragement. I love what you say here — I’m reminded that often the scariest moments in life can turn into the most exciting times of self-actualization and discovery.

  9. I hear you…You work in a people-dense world and you’re healing from a major break-up, so being alone might feel less familiar and unwelcome to you. I work alone all day at home in the boring/isolated suburbs. I talk to no one most days. I’ve gotten used to it.

    I’d focus on every possible thing you might enjoy JUST for you: binge-watch TV and/or movies; hit the local library or bookstore and come home with at least six books; draw/paint/take photos? Try out some new recipes…And try to savor your solitude.

    • Thank you for reminding me that occasional isolation is normal. In my self-loathing, my perspective is often a bit thrown. I love all of your suggestions, and I feel more encouraged to savor this transitional time in my life.

  10. Loneliness is an opportunity to get to know yourself better. Make the most of the opportunity!

    • Thank you, Alex. While the silver-lining is clear to me (my cliches are relentless!), there are days I’m powerless from stopping the negative connotations of loneliness and feeling them fully. Sometimes it’s good to feel it fully, so that I can begin to heal, and you’re absolutely right… get to know myself better.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s