truth slayer

my dating profile.


In a daymare, it occurred to me that I have to date again. Not today, but eventually. While religion and politics are decidedly divisive topics, I think we can all wear flowered wreaths on our heads, hold hands with our sisters and brothers and sing out to the world that dating sucks.

And it only gets worse when you get older. Okay, there might be a few people who would disagree with me on that point, but where is a thirty-something to meet someone who wisely knows not to date anyone at work, whose friends are {mostly} married and have families of their own — this is the age, and bars seem like a distant pastime reminding one of what whiskey tastes like backwards?

When I thought about this some more — glutton for punishment here, but my sister’s solution for yesterday’s lonely attack was to fantasize about a future — I asked myself if I could muster up the courage to write an on-line dating profile. My answer… the taste of whiskey backwards. People lie. I know, shocker! But what’s more is, no one ever sets out to tell the truth on a dating profile, and you only find out who a person truly is once you’re already way too invested. My solution? A dating website where applicants are only allowed to share their faults, and the trained eye can discern the deal breakers from the more manageable faults. While they are at it, why not offer possible solutions to these ugly quirks, so that the relationship not only starts out on a less embellished note {“I didn’t lie, I just revised the perimeters of my promise.” -House of Cards}, but there is less guesswork involved about how to satiate your other’s desires while also lessening the reality-blow on your end? Yeah, potential suitors can make up their own mind about how to respond to faults, but isn’t it nice to get a heads up? Let’s call the website “True Colors.” If anyone steals my idea, I will fight them. Poor man’s copyright — dated blog.

photo 1

Just so you know, I’m no better than the fool I shake my finger at. I too try to act like I’m perfect when I first meet someone. All of my clothes are meaningfully ironed the first couple of months in lieu of using my hair-straightening iron, my voice takes on an unfortunate and not at all accurate Scarlett Johansson impersonation, and I pretend to have read your favorite book before I stay up all night that night reading it. Oh you do it, too. Don’t act like you didn’t constipate yourself, just so you could convince him you are a one-of-a-kind-never-goes-number-two GODDESS. By the way, putting your faults out there doesn’t mean settling in them for life but rather acknowledging that they are currently lingering.

photo 2

Here’s what my dating profile would look like:

1. I WILL seek your hair advice, even if you feel like it’s a trap, and even if you say you don’t have an opinion {oh, but you do!}. This periodic topic of conversation may make me seem to enjoy trivial conversations. And I do. I also prefer deep conversations, but I like to channel my inner-chameleon from time to time via my hair, and I value your opinion. Should I dye my hair? Would you mind if it were shorter? Bangs or no bangs? All possible questions. Possible solution: Tell me the truth. I may or may not follow your advice {I’m a woman of my own mind, but I still care what you think}, but at least I know where I stand in the midst of my hair transformations, and I promise not to get upset if you prefer me more blonde.  As long as it’s me as a blonde you prefer.
2. I love my job, and I will talk about it A LOT. Sometimes, I may even have a bad day and vent about it. Will I want you to offer me solutions like most normal people do? No. I just want to vent and do what I had already planned on doing while you back me up. Possible Solution: “I’m sorry you had a bad day. That really does suck, just like you said it sucks.” + glass of wine
3. I sing slightly under my breath. I love to sing, but sometimes I’m shy about it, so it just sounds like dragon purrs or a deer dying. Also, I don’t know the lyrics. Possible Solution: Ear plugs.
4. I need alone time. It’s not that I don’t want to be with you, because I do. It’s just that there are certain things I prefer for you not to see/hear me do. For instance, belting out my deer-dying singing. No one should hear that sound. Sometimes a girl’s just gotta let it out. Also, my favorite exercise is dancing wildly. No, it isn’t cute like when a guy accidentally walks in on a dancing-singing-hair-brush-girl in a movie. It is wild ugly dancing. I like to keep my hair down so I can swing it around while I do this. My hair is the one thing on my body that has never let me down {exception: late 80s, early 90s}. Side-Note: Why is it that most women are so much more comfortable admitting this, to let’s say, admitting we love our breasts? Is it because we are taught to delicately balance self-love with self-deprecation, and our hair is the one thing besides our toe-nails that are dead on our bodies, so we can confidently claim to love the dead thing? Possible Solution: Relish your alone time too, and promise to never be that guy who thinks he is going to walk in on “dancing-singing-hair-brush-girl in a movie.” Lock the door tightly behind you.
5. When something is really funny, but only when it’s REALLY funny, I laugh like Ricky Riccardo. Possible Solutions: Laugh louder; return to the ear plugs
6. If we make it past the dying-deer singing and the Ricky Riccardo laughter, you will have to say good-bye to sleeping under sheets. I will steal ALL of them. I’ve tried to not do it, believe me. I’ve tried, but I can’t help what I do subconsciously in my sleep. Possible Solution: Two sheets; layers.
7. I don’t need you to apologize, I just need you to understand. Annoying, right? But it’s so true. Your apology, when solicited, is wonderful, but it means nothing if you don’t understand why you needed to apologize. You don’t need to necessarily say it aloud, I can tell. Possible Solution: Okay, say it aloud. Better to be safe.
8. I take pride in taking good care of my body, but I’ve come close to giving up on the soles of my feet. After years of modern dancing, bare feet required, and ballet dancing, shoving my feet into point shoes, my feet entered my thirties at a disadvantage. With the addition of my impatient feet stepping out onto any surface without pausing to put on shoes, my feet are deliciously un-smooth. You know what they say about perfectionists? If they can’t do it perfectly, they abandon it altogether. Possible Solution: Develop a rough-foot fetish; trust me and stay away from the zone; pumice away in the night
9. I’m a perfectionist. Possible Solution: Tell me I’m perfect just the way I am or that no one is perfect, but I’m your special brand of perfect. Swoon tactics work well. Remind me that the painfully beautiful Megan Fox has thumbs that resemble big toes. Google it.
10. I loathe driving. Sometimes I like it, but if we are going somewhere unfamiliar in this fourth-most congested city in the nation, I’m secretly hoping you will be the designated driver. Possible Solution: Love driving.
11. I’m sensitive. When my younger brother had a childhood birthday party at a movie theatre, I tagged along as a chaperone. While my brother and his friends laughed at Nickelodeon’s Rugrats, the plot conflict made me cry, and I’ve been leaking ever since at odds and ends. I’m only semi-kidding. Possible Solution: Make me laugh. And don’t worry, that’s not difficult either. My favorite jokes are the ones that create cricket chirps. Awkward jokes are the best. Brings out my Ricky Riccardo laugh. Then ear plugs.
12. I watch so bad-it’s-good TV. And sometimes it’s just plain awful. Sometimes I watch the same bad episode twice because it’s good background noise. Possible Solution: Come on, grab a handful of popcorn and laugh at it with me!; alone time?

photo 3

Yes, people will still lie. They will offer up these cute little quirks that no one thinks are really that awful. Perhaps you think my quirks are adorable {hit the LOVE button – you are a rare breed/gem}, and some of you may find that some of the things I didn’t list are awful and that I should have listed them. Maybe my plate with the edges of the sandwich remains is repulsive to you, and it reminds you of your mother’s nagging pleas because of “starving kids in China.”

Bonus: Selling yourself is overrated. That’s what chemistry is for.

What would your True Colors dating profile look like? And do you want to date me? Kidding.

Author: LA Feist

Aiming to inspire others to make the most of what they have today without compromising quality of life or settling for less than desired (all the while convincing herself).

166 thoughts on “my dating profile.

  1. True Colors should totally be a thing because:

    1) I hate to waste time (especially with men/dating). Deal breakers should become known before it gets anywhere near serious.

    I used to think I could get along and be happy with any number of man personalities (cue sad, sad music and denial), so:

    2) I can be a bit of a chameleon, which can be really, really annoying and you might not get a total grasp of who I really am until spending a long, long while with me. Been fighting the “yes man”/polite area of my personality all of my life. It will happen, unfortunately.


    3) I am becoming an incredibly blunt person. After so many years of miscommunication and dealing with plain stupidity, I will tell you exactly how I feel about something (hopefully with not too much embellishment based on how I think you might take something). If you are an incredibly sensitive person, well, I may make you really upset repeatedly.

    Alone time is also really important to me. When someone is too clingy or can’t do things alone and the busy-ness level of life gets out of control, it. drives. me. crazy. Also:

    4) I really like pirates. Dat booty.

    Haha, this would be a lot of fun actually.

    • I second your chameleon comments, ugh, I totally get that. So glad you’ve found a “but…” though! Slowly but surely I’m figuring out what I want. I think the more we go through, we at least get to find out exactly what we DON’T want. Best wishes to you out there!

  2. Pingback: Jam and Dating | Special Jams, Fruit Butters, Sauces & Syrups

  3. I’m not sure if this makes me feel better or worse… But it did make me laugh, so better! Dating is the worst. To keep my sense of humor I’ve started using nicknames rather than actual names to keep track and maintain my sense of humor and sanity. For example, the alcoholic baseball fan, the angry probation server, the short term marrying promiser, the bitter divorcee runner, the recently fired flake, the hot mess,the controlling creepy-small-handed addict, the friends with benefits commitment phobe, and most recently, the big promiser. Sigh.

    I’m trying to keep my sense of humor. In spirit of this post I would be the emotionally high-maintenance, affectionate foodie. Or the old soul but young antics jam maker. Or the nerdy sci-fi and poetry lover. Or the gift-giving gardener. Or the child spoiling Aunt. Or the spreadsheet loving accountant. All are true 🙂

  4. Why is there not a LOVE button on this thing? I was completely duped (and some of it was my fault.) It was a heartbreaking and humiliating, dare I call it an adventure? “Embellishment”. Right. http://www.crazyami.wordpress.com

  5. This is the best idea ever! Have to agree, dating sucks. It really does! 😛

  6. I have so many similar thoughts. Thank you for sharing

  7. This was awesomely hilarious and also highly relate-able to my experiences of dating in my 30’s!

  8. Haha, your True Colors dating profile idea is brilliant!

    Mine reads:
    1. Will speak relentlessly of all concerts one has ever attended.

    2. Will occasionally vocalise thoughts – only to realise that I am not the only person in the room.

    3. When texting – will smile sheepishly, and laugh at own jokes.

    4. The only dancing style I know is awkward white boy dancing.

    • Ha! Yes! #3… I was literally just ruminating over how much I laugh at my own jokes and wondering if people noticed and thought I was secretly Narcissus… At least someone is laughing, right!?

      • Haha, Exactly!

        We’ve made ourselves laugh, that’s all that matters… even if there are now 12 people staring at us with their lips slightly parted, wondering if they should seek professional help, or just move away slowly.

  9. Mine profile would be enough to scare people away. Which as an introvert is kind of the point.

  10. I love this! I’m in my mid-twenties and have had similar thoughts on the dating profile thing. Let’s face it, even people you’ve known for a while off line mislead you in every way possible. I really like the True Colors idea, though. My fault profile would have to include the fact that I am in no way a morning person and in every way a night owl. I’m also independent to a fault and the epitome of procrastination. And then there’s the sarcasm… Hard to see why I’m still single, huh? lol

  11. Interesting…when I figure out how to follow ur blog I will 🙂

  12. I think you need to keep your profile short and sweet and sweet as in coming off as a nice person. It creates curiosity that will led to the person wanting to know more and reach out. That has been my experience. But it does suck to date as you get older!

    • Oh girl, I was only kidding, I can’t even imagine REALLY creating a dating profile. I’m happy to date myself right now, but you are absolutely right. Short and sweet. Let the chemistry (if it’s there) do all the work! 😉

  13. Charming humor, and the dating profile idea is appreciated. I’ve not seen it all or heard it all, but some things — ? I wonder if the 60 year old woman actually thought she would not be recognized in her 31 year old picture, yeah, black and white- hair style, etc. and the story could go on and on.

  14. Love your blog. Social media allows us to create who you want the world to see you as. Alter egos exist on most social media.

  15. I agree with you. Dating is definitely a challenge in today’s society. Good blog. Follow me as well, I’m publishing a blog Thursday about what it means to be single as a woman. It’ll be a great read. 🙂

  16. This is hilarious and a good idea. I promise not to steal it. I should get out and date but I’m not interested. My next mate will have to see me across a crowded room. If I did create a reverse profile it would say- I’m grouchy in the morning. Don’t like my car dirty but won’t physically clean it myself. Believe I made a bad college decision. So I promote follow your dreams only.

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